six things for desiring:

• a warm bed in a room with a fresh breeze
• two vodka drinks
• a summer jam playing while driving down PCH
• one good photo of your youth
• a goal
• a sense of mortality

here's to 'em.

The Little Gay Guy that Could.

ithinkimsaneithinkimsaneithinkimsaneithinkimsaneithinkimsane....


It's a well-known opinion that thinking a thing is the easiest way to make said thing happen.
Here's hoping.

What is this I'm feeling?

It's too early to be up and alone.

Choices made start seeming ridiculous and bright futures once-imagined look misty and far away.

Regret? Anger? Fear? Boredom?

I want to be alone. with a keyboard, a monitor, music, movies and stacks of books. I want to hibernate through this emotional winter.

I want to wake up not-jaded.

I want to take my sweet-ass time.

I want to fall in true love.

Sad songs and Waltzes

I am a clean, blank slate.

I am a slate that has a no-stick surface.

I met Jeremy at a time when everything seemed to be beyond my control, and I took control of something:

My emotions toward HIM.

I couldn't control my feelings toward work. I couldn't treat my friends with respect and I couldn't allow them any space or time for themselves. I couldn't control my feelings about my mother. Still can't. I was burning through emotions and people with scary speed and wanton abandon.

I was a needy fuck.
Always have been.

And Jeremy appeared when I needed to be gathered up and he held me, unconditionally, so that I might put the pieces of myself back together, at least tenatively. He held me, and continued to. Came out to visit. Told me he loved me... I had even chosen a waltz for us to dance to when we next came face to face.

I know I love him.

I also know enough about the pieces that fit to know that he and I will not be in a relationship. And so I let him go. He slid away quickly and I feel I made the choice because of our states of being.

My mother used to tell me that she raised me to be too independent. To need no one.
Nothing could be further from the truth. I need someone, and I know that in that need, no one will be able to live up to my expectations. So my fear, in relation to my need, is greater and causes me to let things slip away.

Fear of commitment. It comes from many things. Wanting freedom. Wanting eternal youth and desirability. But what about wanting to be the only person responsible for your protection?
For your happiness? For your stability?

No man is an island and perhaps my desires to remain single are slowly building a prison around my head and heart. But for me that is preferable to chaining someone else to my feelings of need and self-centeredness.

I'd rather be alone than have company in my misery and psychosis...

At least for now.