Independence Day, 2005

I have felt, for a long time, and yes it's been a long time, that I was not making my choices. I have felt that my choice were being made for me.... because I was beholden to one person or another, one idea or another, one emotion or another. I have felt the desire for love, the confusion of a relationship destined for pain, and the regret of allowing myself to be vulnerable. Commonplace feelings all, but that fact does little to invalidate them. I felt robbed of the free will people so often complain of. And I wanted it more than anything in the world.

And I have reclaimed it as mine. As of now.

This Fourth of July I will be with the man I love. Because I choose to be.

His name is Jeremy and simply put, the guy kicks ass. He is someone whose personality keeps me curious, appearance keeps me aroused, and mind keeps me happy. He tastes like apples and I remember the tobacco scent he wore before we both agreed that smoking was a vice we were done with (for now). Now I expect the apple taste to be stupefying and mixed with other sweet things. His skin is clean and creamy and his eyes sparkle not with dreamy-clouded-far-away stars, but with the light of bonfires on night beaches and in cavernous forest clearings.

The ice we were so afraid of melted. It was thick, and never broke. Instead, our weekend visit caused it to melt underfoot and we swam through warm waters and fell in love.
On his stay we were polite, sweet, vacation-boyfriends (a term Best-Friend cherishes because he finds that these are the most worthwhile relationships). When he left, we were both broken-hearted and I walked around feeling as though my joints were made of fired clay, not meant to bend, and so I cracked gently with each step.

Eventually we said the "L" word to one another. Well, truth be told, I blurted it out as we departed. I shocked myself and him, and in my embarrassment, hastily walked away from his cab. Later on that week, through static-y cell phones, he told me he loved me, and I said I had meant it as he departed, and I meant it now. Still do.

This will be an Independence Day. This weekend I will spend with Jeremy deep in Texas woods, kissing and sharing secrets, raunchy jokes, beliefs, knowing glances. I will meet his parents. I will embrace a choice. I will embrace a future full of choice. Independence day I'll fly over fireworks, still tasting apples, on my way home. Where I will never again be what I once was, and that is truly beautiful.

Treading Lightly, Thinking "Ice" all the time

Went to Austin with the Angel and My new surrogate benfactor.

Angel has been with me since before thoughts were formed by single-celled organisms. We met one night when I locked myself out of my own home. I was a cold night (for Southern California) and she offered me shelter. I said "I like your eye shadow." We've been friends ever since.

The new surrogate is another god-send. She has been instrumental in the past three months. Sparing no expense to see me comfortable. She does it because she promised my mother that she would. She does it to make sure that I don't spiral out of control or try channelling the Erinyes for the sake of vengeance.

They took great care to see that I was kept in Grey Goose and Whataburgers and cigs.
First night in, I met a boy. Not just a boy, a self-assured boy with the balls to speak to me, so obviously entrenched in my own world with my two guardians. Attraction was instant as was the feeling that he should know the nature of our epic tale. "We're here to pay our last respects to my mother's memory. We're here to recover her belongings. We're here to lose our minds and walk with her down her last path. " Somewhere in there he held my hand, and effortlessly, it felt held by him (along with my two guardian angels) the entire weekend. He made the surreality more bearable.

Now, slightly more than a month later.
He is coming to visit.

Is the ice thin?
Benefactor: "Quite possibly."

Is it Ice?
Angel: "Most definitely."

When will it break?
Best Friend: "What do I look like a fuckin Magic 8 ball?"

Angel, Benefactor, Best friend, they say, "Just enjoy your time together."

I say "okay."

So yeah, I'll tread where I fear to tread.

I might even forget the danger, but I will never forget the history thats preceded me, or the nature of plane I walk on.