Hey there pussy-cat....

How do you like the world you're in?
Satan has nothin better to do than haunt pet shop owners by appearing on the shells of turtles, straight men beat their chests like little old italian women as their heroes turn chicken in front of congressional hearings, and Monday morning was a revelation of time, energy and water.

What is the answer to life? Does everything mean nothing and therefore everything is connected? Do people really enjoy their time together or is it basically a desire to be validated by someone seeming to value our presence, when really theyre just doin the same thing you are? Is it as simple as "no one wants to be alone"?

So far, the world is a beautiful, sad, messy little business which we all gape at because it seems so goddamned BIG!
That can mean so much.

I alternate between cold-hearted terror, sunny acceptance and tepid apathy.

Right now I feel like im trying to mix all three like a baker with arthritis kneeding dough.

It's what I do, but seriously.....Youch.

Hands are Important...

and for that reason, I think its time to start an impromptu list of things to be desired....

• a copy, in any condition of Max Ehrmann's "Desiderata"
• LUSH's Smitten Hand creme.
• Pulled Pork in a warm, toasted Kaiser roll.
• the feeling of a lovers arm beneath your head in the morning.
• a knowing smile from a stranger.
• cold, fresh Lemonade with lots of crushed ice in the Summer.

These are the first in what will hopefully become a great list of many things to be desired. From my hands to your eyes, O Reader.

Enjoy.

dis-ease free

Bloodwork results back from doctor.
Everything is A-OK.

No nasty sickness, pestilence, or pariah-inducing disease.

woohooo!

Couple this with the fuel line which miraculously cracked and leaked but didn't explode in the accident and I would say that I have a certified angel alighting on my shoulder.

Actually, I knew that, but that dear angel certainly can be a fickle one, sometimes.

this boy...

Aquaman continues to endear himself to me.
I love being in this precarious, sweet, sweet place.

We spoke last night at length about what it was like to like one another. I found it hard to put it into words.

"It's exhilarating.... challenging.... calming... unexpected... wonderful."
"I'll take that as good," he quipped.
All I could muster in response was "Hell, yes."

I suppose that this is what the Double-Dipper and the ex must be feeling. God bless 'em.
Forgiveness is a delicate thing, and I've chosen to bestow it upon myself (as much as myself will allow) and upon those whom I previously felt wronged me.

However, I'm learning that forgiveness, along with other ethereal things which we bestow upon ourselves and others, is wholly dynamic. Just like one can fall in and out of love, one can forgive and forget that forgiveness quite quickly.

That said, I have forgiven the past year and more. I'm trying to ease myself into a new phase of life and that includes letting go of anger for the two of them. I'm finding that with my new, beautiful, cheesy emotions, I don't really have time or room in my heart to nurse extreme anger.

After all, it's far nicer to kiss away the night and sleep with butterflies.

vroom, vapid, vexation

Aquaman makes me feel sexy and foolish and air-headed all at once.
That takes talent.

In other news it looks like it's gonna be a SCION xA.
I told a friend and he said "How did i know?" in a very facetious way.

Apparently I'm the SCION "type", and didn't even know it.

new car?

Since my accident, the insurance folks have decided that my beautiful spunky, raw, little '89 mustang is a total loss.

It just might be the saddest thing I've heard in a few days, but it's also a blessing in disguise since it might mean a new car for me...

Now the question is what to get. Honda? Toyota? Mini? Saturn? It can't be expensive, but it's gotta feel right. Any suggestions dear readers?

Phone Calls and Butterflies

"I'm not like the boys that you've known
But I believe I'm worth coming home to
Kiss away night
this boy only sleeps with butterflies"

I'm not a total loss after all.

And again, art reflects the world around me just as much as the spirit within me.

Aquaman called me at work today. Just to say hello. It's nice.

We get along well, and while we don't understand each other totally('cause that kind of understanding takes years to perfect, and even then it will NEVER be perfect.), we find a way to sync up gracefully. We take each other in stride and with honor. We don't take each other for granted and the honesty thus far is refreshing.

This is the best time, the fresh time. This is the part where the snow is gently falling and excitement is building up and eyes twinkle with the anticipation and the experience.
If only it could stay this way. If only it could all be butterflies in stomaches and snow falling, while we eagerly wait for it to build so that we can make fanciful snow castles and angels.

Maybe this time it will.

total loss

Peter, a representative from the insurance company handling my accident, said "It looks like your car is a total loss."

That was probably the worst lunch I've had in a while. And the kicker was that just as he called, I stepped outside Eatwell so as not to be rude, and a crazy homeless man deliberately walked into me and shoved me, to boot. After I had just lauded him for peeing on a building on Santa Monica. Some crazy people act like the just can't control themselves! I mean really!

So:

"Total Loss."

Those words have been coming up a lot recently in my life.

My Financial Security:
My first Total Loss.

My relationship to Mr.Turned-Inward, my navel-gazing fiance:
A Total Loss.

My relationship to my mother and father:
A Total Loss.

My '89 Mustang:
The Latest Total Loss.

At times like these, when our heads think faster than our hearts can keep up, we can choose to look at the circumstances as catastrophes with a chain reaction, like little bombs that keep setting off landmines in the vicinity, which set off more landmines. When you lose so much, so fast, you can't help but feel empty, and it's tempting to let your soul become a vacuum.

And then there's the other side.

With any luck, and some encouragement from your friends, you can force yourself to review what you've lost. Maybe they weren't bombs and landmines, ruining your world, maybe you're more like the earth desperately wanting to grow, but covered in dead and decaying vegetation. Maybe you were suffocating, and the universe is just acting (as it tends to do) as some mysterious and misunderstood keeper of the soil, employing the "slash-and-burn" method of destroying that which would destroy the fertile earth in order to allow it to cultivate new life. All of that is just a fancy way of saying if you look hard enough maybe, just maybe, you begin to witness just how brutal those things were when you had them.

Bad credit, bad boyfriends, bad cars: all of these things can be improved upon.
...but only after they've been lost.

A Potion

It's clear when the universe thinks you need to learn.

Those are the times you pull out the garlic and holy water. 'Cause you have to draw a line in the sand, sometimes.

When your own brain starts to try to trick you into thinking you arent worth someone's love, and that the past was all one big joke that doesn't REALLY contain any important information except that you were a fool for a large chunk of it, that's when you have to accept that it isn't the universe that wants you to learn.

It's self-doubt that wants you to fuck up.

And that's when the garlic and holy water have to be turned inward.

"I am piecing a potion to combat your poison." Probably the best thing I've heard in years.

Thanks again, Tori.